a long time coming

or good things take time? or letting it marinate? letting the pieces fall into place. not forcing the process

although i’m not quite sure what the process is. one might call it stewing.

i feel this pull to create and this push to hide. this dissonance. like keys on the casio when you’re clueless about the notes. i must say that while i like the beautiful thing, the things that match, pair well together, complement each other – it’s the dissonance that i crave, that i strive for, that i seek (perhaps that seeks me).

the colors in my knitting that have just the right amount of tension, the dissonance, the sort of ugliness that’s beautiful (and i’m totally transported to sexy ugly and the days of my youth re-watching kissing jessica stein). this finding beauty in things that aren’t typically beautiful together. they’re interesting, intriguing, fascinating, even verging on irritatingly uncomfortable. it’s the dissonance – the moments, the combination, the notes – that make me want to keep pairing skeins of yarn, combining endless amounts of patterns in my living room decor.

and maybe the dissonance between wanting to write, share, and be heard along with the extreme push back of wanting to hide is what i need to embrace

because maybe my yarn, endless geometrics and florals there is something i need to learn. that is not the easy, clear sailing, comfortable match that moves me forward – it’s the dissonance – the conflict that turns out to be more rich and beautiful than the match, compliment, or coordinate

and what is the conflict now? to stay still or to move forward? to be seen or to hide? to find the right combination of dissonance that i propel myself out of the winter and into the spring?

i’m not quite sure. but i know that i don’t want to hide in my own home. in my own life.

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